so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
