Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
