I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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