hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
