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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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