my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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