I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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