party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
