omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
it glows. i had to have it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
