Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
