dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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