I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
