I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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