Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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