Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
