my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
