Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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