Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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