I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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