I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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