Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
