I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
