Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
