Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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