ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
