hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
