yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.