i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space