someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
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You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office