Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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