So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"