I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
