i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
