I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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