today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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