It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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