Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
