so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
