so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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