as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
