Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
