I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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