Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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