i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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