Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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