i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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