my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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