you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
