I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
