shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
