I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
