i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
