My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
