she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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