I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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