I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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