i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
