i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
