Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
