twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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